


Searching to Find Myself (and all I find is you)

by dancer4813



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, CritRole RS Week, Critical Role Relationship Week, F/F, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I am incapable of writing short things, Kimallura, Kisses, Love, Spoilers for Episode 84, Tal'dorei Campaign, Worry, sfw, so this might be a long week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 09:24:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9601217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancer4813/pseuds/dancer4813
Summary: Kima and Allura have a moment after returning from the battle with Raishan when old wounds and worries are brought to the surface.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 1 of CritRole RS Week, for which my first two people happened to be one of my favorite ships, the beautiful and perfect Kimallura. I am incapable of not writing angst, apparently, and it’s difficult for me to write short things, so we’re starting off the week with a bit of a bang. ^_^
> 
> Takes place during Episode 84, so a few spoilers, and the title comes from the song “Every Night” by Imagine Dragons, which I only recently discovered was perfect for these two.

“You know, fighting dragons isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” Kima said, pulling off her plate armor and the thin green boots she’d been given by Vox Machina. She wondered if they’d let her keep them, and decided not to make mention of it unless they asked for them back. 

“Mmm,” Allura hummed, sounding distracted. The blue of her dressing down dropped through the air in Kima’s peripheral vision, slipping over Allura’s head as the archanist continued, “Is that so?”

“Well when you can’t fly, it’s kind of shit.”

The words had their intended effect, and Allura snorted, glancing over toward Kima, who grinned in spite of herself. Sure, she hadn’t been able to deal much damage to the dragons at all, but they were all alive, weren’t they?

“I can’t fly,” she pointed out, and Kima rolled her eyes.  

“You know what I mean.”

“I do,” Allura said, nodding, even as her fingers began to deftly unbraid her hair. “Though, not all of Vox Machina can fly, either. It’s really just the twins-“

“With your magic carpet?” Kima asked, smirking and leaning against the foot of the bed. “I swear, I saw that thing while we were in the Underdark and I was astounded you’d let it out of your sight.”

“You well know I didn’t give it to them,” Allura said, rolling her eyes as she took out her other braid. “I do believe they acquired it trying to escape my collapsing tower when they accidentally set off my security measures, before they went to find you. I’d thought it had gotten lost in the wreckage and confusion, but…”

“Remember when we found it and discovered what it really was? Dohla was over the moon,” Kima remembered, picturing their old friend fawning over the flying carpet. “I swear, I see more and more of her in Vex, what with the penny-pinching…”

Allura laughed, her fingers dropping from her freshly-freed hair as she leaned back against the vainity. “Oh my goodness, I’d forgotten – Vex really does remind me of her – our group’s treasurer, headstrong and confident… Though she wasn’t as quick with her words, was she? I remember once, when we were in Ank’harel looking for information on the Scourged Rider-“

“And she ended up punching the bartender in the nose because she thought he was leading her on!” Kima finished, feeling a large smile draw at her lips. She could practically see their former companion’s fist impacting the lined face of the bartender they’d been trying to talk with, and she easily remembered the chaos that followed. “Those were good times.”

“The best,” Allura said, glancing upwards, past the ceiling and the brick in front of them.

Kima glanced up in time to see the grin fade from Allura’s face, a familiar look of longing and exhaustion settling back onto her features.

“Hey, do you remember-“

Kima was cut off by a knock on the door to Allura’s room, and Allura stood straight up, her cheeks flushing just slightly. She glanced at the door, then at Kima, then at the door, mouth gaping ever so slightly.

Kima put a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing at the Allura she knew and loved – the one who didn’t always stay perfectly poised and primped as she usually did around the council or in public.

“Allura, are you in there?” Keyleth asked through the door, and Allura blinked twice, then shook her head.

“Yes, Keyleth, just give me a moment!” she called, taking a deep breath and pushing Kima out of sight behind the wall next to the door.

It took everything Kima had not to chuckle at Allura’s attempt to remain subtle. They were fifteen years past adventuring for heaven’s sake – they had no reason to be coy around their friends, especially not when half of Vox Machina were in relationships of their own. Leaning back against the wall, Kima saw her large pile of armor she hadn’t yet gotten around to folding and nearly started cackling again at the blatant indication of who was sharing the room with Allura.

Allura glanced back into the room before opening the door and seemed to come to the same conclusion.

“Fuck,” she whispered, but she opened the door anyway, a carefully reserved expression on her face, and Kima nearly burst out laughing again, holding it back by biting her fist.

Oh, she’d missed this side of Allura.

“Hey, Allura, I was just- I was just wondering…”

“Yes?” Allura asked, only just stepping out through the door, so as not to open it too far so Kima’s armor would be visible.

“Um, I wondered if you could get a message to Vex in Kymal – some way of letting her know he made it, that Scanlan came back?”

“Oh, um, yes, actually,” Allura said with a nod, extricating herself from the door knob and stepping out to stand face-to-face with the druid. “Thank you for reminding me.”

“Yeah, I was just- she must be… insane, right now. Or half-drunk, or both.”

“Probably both,” Allura said with a chuckle, though her words sounded suddenly stilted to Kima. The paladin tried to peer out the door to see Allura’s face, but she couldn’t do so without Keyleth seeing her, and as Allura seemed to desire some amount of secrecy and privacy about their rekindled relationship, she stayed back.

Honestly, it was probably the best idea.

Vox Machina was pretty shit at keeping secrets.

Keyleth and Allura finished up their conversation, Allura assuring the druid that she would let Vex know that Scanlan was alive, and Keyleth mentioning that they wanted to return to Emon with her the next day.

Kima, who had already decided she was returning to Emon with Allura (she wasn’t letting the woman out of her sight for a good long while), had to do some quick math in her head, but it seemed that everything would work out. And hopefully with Vox Machina off checking on their keep she and Allura could have at least a bit of downtime together after she finished her business in the city.

Downtime was a precious commodity in their previous circumstances, but luckily the dragons were gone for good now.

“Good night,” Allura finally said, nodding to Keyleth, who wished her a good night in return.

Allura slipped back inside and closed the door gently behind her, then immediately rushed to her clothes that she’d folded, grabbing her components pouch and fumbling with the clasp.

“I should have thought of it – I knew there was something I was forgetting,” she mumbled, and Kima, concerned, drew near to help and realized there were tears gathering in the corners of Allura’s eyes.

“Allie,” Kima said, trying to get her attention. “Allie.”

“Give me a moment, Kima, I just need to cast the spell-“

Allura was fumbling through the components pouch, a couple dried leaves falling to the ground as her hands shook. Kima, instead of trying to get her attention again, simply plucked the pouch out of her hands and held it behind her back.

“Kima!”

Allura swiped at Kima’s hands and missed, and Kima stepped back a bit, keeping the pouch out of Allura’s reach.

“What are you doing – I need to get the message to Vex!” Allura exclaimed, her fists clenching in a very un-Allura manner, and Kima only felt a little guilty about it.

“Not in this state, you don’t!” Kima exclaimed, dropping the pouch behind her pile of armor, but keeping her eyes on Allura’s face to make sure she hadn’t noticed it fall.

She hadn’t.

“I’m perfectly fine!” Allura lied, betrayed by the higher tone in her voice and the still-clenched fists at her sides, not to mention the tears that finally began dripping down her cheeks. “It’s a simple Sending spell – it won’t be any trouble, Kima.”

“And you want Vex to hear you sounding like this?” Kima asked, hands still behind her back as if she had the small bag in them. “She already waited a couple hours, she can wait five more minutes so you can tell me what’s wrong.”

“But she shouldn’t have to!” Allura exclaimed, her fingers abruptly wiping at her cheeks. “To think he’s dead, or to not know whether he is or not-“

Her voice broke, and Allura covered her mouth with a hand as a stifled sob escaped her throat.

The two of them stood there, the tension in the air palpable, Allura’s blue eyes wide and staring at Kima as though she were the only thing in the world that still existed.

Kima knew that look, had seen it on the faces of those desperate for understanding, those who had only barely survived a battle, those who had nothing left to lose.

She’d seen it on Allura’s face after their struggle to trap Thordak in the fire plane, and she remembered promising herself that she would never let that happen again.

“Allie?” she asked, stepping forward, trying not to startle the woman who looked like she was about to bolt.

Allura blinked a few times, more tears falling, then leaned again one of the bedpoles as her eyes closed, her shoulders quaking in the silence.

“Allie, talk to me,” Kima said, dropping her hands and the pretense that she still had the pouch. She took a couple of steps toward Allura and reached out a hand to her, but the archanist flinched away, another sob wrenched from her throat. “Allie, you’re scaring me.”

“It’s a terrible feeling,” Allura said through tears. “To not know if a friend is dead or alive, to have no way of knowing whether they’ll come back to you.”

Kima felt a chill run down her spine as a heavy weight settled in her stomach and Allura turned away, arms falling to wrap around her stomach, as if holding herself together.

“And all you can do is wait and wonder and hope for something, someone to tell you that it’ll be alright, that they’re okay, but until then…”

Her voice trailed off, her shoulders curling in on themselves as she continued to sob.

“Allie, hey, hey, come here,” Kima said, rushing in front of Allura and pulling on her arm. Not for the first time she wished she was taller, so she could meet Allura at her level instead of Allura coming down to hers, but no matter. Allura sank to her knees in front of Kima and their faces were at the same height, though Allura’s was still turned away, tears still glistening in her eyes and in the rivulets that had worked their way down her cheeks.

“Allie, it’s alright, it’s alright,” Kima said, lifting her hand to turn Allura’s face to her own and brush the hair back behind her ear. “I’m here. I’m right here.”

Allura didn’t open her eyes, her head bowing forward as her sobs turned into gasps and then deep, heaving breaths, and Kima quickly grabbed one of Allura’s hands with her free hand, squeezing the fingers tightly.

“Hey, breathe with me, okay?” Kima asked, exaggerating her breathing so it was clear and audible, syncing her inhale with an increased pressure on Allura’s fingers so she might get the message. “In and out, in and out…”

It took a good minute or so for Allura to calm down and her breathing to return entirely to normal, the hyperventilating replaced with steady inhales and exhales, and as she came back to herself her fingers started following Kima’s, the pressure returned and relaxing in time with Kima’s puffs of air until she opened her eyes.

“Better?” Kima murmured, chest aching with a sharp, familiar mix of love and regret. “I’m sorry.”

“It…” Allura trailed off, voice shaking, then sighed and unfolded her arms, still keeping hold of Kima’s hand. “It was a long time coming.”

Kima thought of leaving for the Underdark, her last letter to Allura mentioning the vision quest she’d been given and her intention to follow that to completion. It had been nearly six months ago that she’d left, and close to five since she’d been rescued by Vox Machina, but she and Allura had never had an actual discussion about it, the topic mentioned in passing, then brushed aside for more important or pressing matters.

“I’m sorry,” Kima said again, closing her own eyes as she pulled Allura’s face close so their foreheads could touch, the warm presence of life against her face helping to keep her own tears at bay.

“You’d better be,” Allura said, her voice thick as she turned her head slightly and pressed a kiss to Kima’s lips.

Kima returned the kiss, and she thought of how she had gone to fight Vorugal and Thordak with Vox Machina, leaving Allura behind. She remembered the tension on Allura’s face when she had mentioned going to fight the white dragon, and she could picture the ill-concealed fear that she’d seen Allura try to hide when asked if she would accompany Vox Machina to fight Thordak.

Kima had assumed it was worry about fighting a dragon, about her own concerns and past memories.

Kima hadn’t considered Allura’s change of heart when they went to fight Raishan.

(How could she have not seen it? How could she have been so stupid?)

The kiss ended and time seemed to stand still for a moment, until Kima spoke up again.

“You know, I followed you through that teleportation circle today for a reason, even though I knew something was wrong.”

There was a sharp gasp of air from Allura as she pulled back, and Kima opened her eyes to see Allura’s face, shocked and slightly pale, staring back at her.

“You knew something was wrong?”

“Well, I knew it didn’t look like any teleportation circle I’d ever seen before.”

“But you shouldn’t have-“

“Allie, I didn’t have a choice,” Kima said, lips twisting into a smile. “I’ve never had as much self-control as you. I’m the one always running into danger, right?”

Allura nodded, and Kima grinned in spite of herself. “So even though I knew something was wrong, I made the split-second decision to not let you deal with whatever was on the other side of that portal on your own. I just didn’t know it was an ocean that we would be fighting, instead of more zombies or something.”

Allura chuckled at that, and Kima stroked her cheek with a thumb, feeling like she was trying to coax out a smile.

“I’ve never been one to sit still in the face of a fight; you know that, right?” she asked.

“I do.”

“But I’ve always come back home to you, right?”

“You have,” Allura said, nodding, a couple more tears trickling from her eyes.

“I swear to you, Allura Vysoren, on the Platinum Dragon himself, that I will come home to you,” Kima said, staring into Allura’s eyes, praying that she understood the sincerity behind her words.

“I don’t think that’ll stop me from worrying.”

Kima barked out a laugh, some of the held-back tears bursting their dams and trailing down her cheeks.

“Well, hopefully you won’t need to for a while now,” Kima said, moving her hands to Allura’s shoulders. “The dragons are dead, we made it, and I’m not leaving you for a good long while.”

“But the Sanctuary-“

“Fuck the Sanctuary,” Kima scoffed, tightening her grip on Allura’s shoulders. “They’ve got enough paladins.”

“But won’t Vord-“

“Fuck Vord! Well, actually, don’t do that,” Kima said, smirking. “But to be honest, I feel like Tal’dorei and Emon need me just a bit more than Issylra and Vasselheim right now.”

Allura smiled as well, and Kima felt warmth bloom in her chest.

“Are you sure?” Allura asked, and Kima just smiled, leaning forward to peck Allura’s lips again.

“I’ve never been so sure of anything,” she said, pulling Allura into a tight hug.

There was a momentary pause before Allura’s arms mimicked Kima’s and she returned the hug, and Kima felt Allura’s head fall onto her shoulder, the heat from her breath cutting through her linen shirt. Kima pulled her in tightly, fingers tangling in the long blonde hair, and they sat for a long moment, breathing together and feeling life pulse through the other’s veins.

“Now, you’re gonna cast Sending to get the message to Vex while I get cleaned up, alright?” Kima said, not waiting for an answer before continuing, “And then we’re gonna get in bed and sleep until noon because we fought a fucking dragon today and we all survived – got that?”

“Send a message, sleep until noon,” Allura parroted back, and Kima grinned.

She wasn’t leaving Allura, at least not for a good long while, and it didn’t matter if they ended up fighting another conclave of dragons or simply needed to work on rebuilding the city and the lives of those who had fallen to ruin under the dragons’ flight. They push onward the way they had since teaming up with their companions against the Scourged Rider all those years ago.

They would get through things together.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to see me recommend fanfics, cry with me about the cast and NPCs alike, or watch me spaz out during the episodes check out my main blog: [dancer4813](http://www.dancer4813.tumblr.com), or my writing tumblr: [dancerwrites](http://www.dancerwrites.tumblr.com).


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